Life didnt change much over the next few years, I got a job doing an early morning milk round so I could earn some money for myself. This helped as I could do more things and get out of the house more.
I was still seeing both M and P off and on I was always with either one of them but then my parents dropped another bombshell we were moving house yet again....
Only this time we were going to a totally different area, which in turn meant a new school. I wasnt happy I was doing well at my high school and had excellent grades and some good friends - but it didnt matter what we thought...so off we went to the new house, it was a nice area but it meant I had no friends nearby and more importantly for me no boyfriend as it was too far to see either of them.
Starting the new school was horrible, I had no friends and it was such a shock to the system, there were a few of my cousins at the new school which I suppose helped a bit and I did make friends eventually. Initially I was the swot who was always sat working her backside off, head down and getting on with my work. This was what I was used to from my previous school, but people here were different always mucking about and getting into trouble.
It wasnt long before I started to follow them and my work slipped, I would skip school and generally misbehaved. I think it was a cry for help but I never got it....
I didnt get a new boyfriend there was one guy who i really fancied but he was way out of my league - I had put on weight and wasnt at all pretty like the other girls, why would any guy want me...
Tuesday 25 October 2011
Monday 24 October 2011
Teenager
I dont remember much about my years coming up to a teenager, I remember just haning out with everyone who lived near, mainly the lads.
I started smoking at middle school and used to take a few of my mums in a morning if she was still in bed when I got up, or the odd pound here and there so I could club together with my mates to buy some.
We spent an awful lot of time in the local graveyard, not causing a nuisance or damage just hanging out. It was quiet in the evening so we didnt get any hastle off the grown ups. We would sit and chat, wind each other up or play stupid games.
It was not well lit so there were lots of dark areas where you could hide or go for a snog if you wanted to be on your own. I was mainly seeing M at this time and I remember we used to go there so we could be on our own - he was a few years older than me and some of his mates used to take the micky cos he was hanging out with us. I didnt care I thought he was the bees knees. He was very kind and affectionate to me but I think he also knew this was my weak spot and it meant I let him touch me and at around the age of 13 we had sex for the first time...
Looking back it was pretty horrid we were under a large tree not sure of the name but think it a willow as it sort of hid you from view.
It was very painful and not what I would call a pleasant experience, or pleasurable. It was over very quickly and we didnt use protection he just pulled out near the end... I was living on the edge but wasnt really aware of the bigger picture or consequences.
After that occassion we would often have sex, it was always outside as we didnt really have anywhere we could go. I cant honestly say I enjoyed it at all but it was what boys expected and wanted and if it meant he was my boyfriend then I did it - at least someone wanted me well for now anyway
He obviously told his mates what I had let him do and they used to tease me and flirt with me - I never let any of them near me though. We used to fall our a lot and when we did I would but very upset and stay in my room feeling sorry for myself listening to sad songs over and over again it really depressed me when this happened.
I soon found comfort in the arms of P who was eager to go our with me whenever M dumped me - of course it all came down to sex I can see that now. Back then I thought they just both loved me...
How wrong I was they were just taking advantage of an unhappy young girl who let them do what they wanted to her mistaking it for love...
I started smoking at middle school and used to take a few of my mums in a morning if she was still in bed when I got up, or the odd pound here and there so I could club together with my mates to buy some.
We spent an awful lot of time in the local graveyard, not causing a nuisance or damage just hanging out. It was quiet in the evening so we didnt get any hastle off the grown ups. We would sit and chat, wind each other up or play stupid games.
It was not well lit so there were lots of dark areas where you could hide or go for a snog if you wanted to be on your own. I was mainly seeing M at this time and I remember we used to go there so we could be on our own - he was a few years older than me and some of his mates used to take the micky cos he was hanging out with us. I didnt care I thought he was the bees knees. He was very kind and affectionate to me but I think he also knew this was my weak spot and it meant I let him touch me and at around the age of 13 we had sex for the first time...
Looking back it was pretty horrid we were under a large tree not sure of the name but think it a willow as it sort of hid you from view.
It was very painful and not what I would call a pleasant experience, or pleasurable. It was over very quickly and we didnt use protection he just pulled out near the end... I was living on the edge but wasnt really aware of the bigger picture or consequences.
After that occassion we would often have sex, it was always outside as we didnt really have anywhere we could go. I cant honestly say I enjoyed it at all but it was what boys expected and wanted and if it meant he was my boyfriend then I did it - at least someone wanted me well for now anyway
He obviously told his mates what I had let him do and they used to tease me and flirt with me - I never let any of them near me though. We used to fall our a lot and when we did I would but very upset and stay in my room feeling sorry for myself listening to sad songs over and over again it really depressed me when this happened.
I soon found comfort in the arms of P who was eager to go our with me whenever M dumped me - of course it all came down to sex I can see that now. Back then I thought they just both loved me...
How wrong I was they were just taking advantage of an unhappy young girl who let them do what they wanted to her mistaking it for love...
Saturday 22 October 2011
Hate and resentment..
Well I soon began to realise that I was basically on my own, I hated my mum for what she had put me through. She had and still has never shown any love for me in any way, I watched films etc where the daughters and mums and a special bond. I so wished I could have that and vowed if I should ever have a little girl of my own that I would make sure we had that special bond.
I got on with my life hanging about with the kids near me and swapping between M and P for affection, I had a few good friends at school etc but only a couple of real true friends.
Deep down I was unhappy and felt let down by my parents, my dad never really said much or showed affection to any of us but my mum she showered my brother with love but not me or my sister.... I suppose it down to her losing my older brother but even so this wasnt fair and I resented her and him for this.
I think they also had money worries as we were told we were moving yet again to a smaller house but in the same area....we were like gypo's never settling long in one place.
I spent a lot of time with my mates and at their houses - they all seemed to have good relationships with their parents and I wanted to share on this in any way I could....
I got on with my life hanging about with the kids near me and swapping between M and P for affection, I had a few good friends at school etc but only a couple of real true friends.
Deep down I was unhappy and felt let down by my parents, my dad never really said much or showed affection to any of us but my mum she showered my brother with love but not me or my sister.... I suppose it down to her losing my older brother but even so this wasnt fair and I resented her and him for this.
I think they also had money worries as we were told we were moving yet again to a smaller house but in the same area....we were like gypo's never settling long in one place.
I spent a lot of time with my mates and at their houses - they all seemed to have good relationships with their parents and I wanted to share on this in any way I could....
Tuesday 18 October 2011
Scared and alone
Even today I can still remember the day I started my periods - I was 11 years old and have never been so scared or felt so alone.
The facts of life had never been explained to me and I didnt know anything about periods well not really anyway. None of my friends had started theirs as we were young really but as I was quite well developed I suppose thats why I was one of the first.
I had been suffering from stomache pains most of the day that day....
I went to the toilet at school and noticed when I wiped that the toilet paper had a pinkish colour....this didnt look at all normal and did worry me but I carried on as normal. Later when I went again it was now definitely red and I realised it was blood, this really worried me, but as it was nearly the end of school I folded up a load of toilet paper and put it inside my knickers.
I kept going to the loo to make sure it wasnt getting any worse and started to panic as to what was happening and what I was supposed to do - I will speak to mum I thought when she gets home.
I couldnt get her on her own though she was always busy and then when I did I didnt quite know what to say to her...so I waited...and waited...
I sat in bed that evening waiting for her to come up and get ready for bed and when she did I shouted her into my room (by then I had a small room of my own) still not knowing what to say I just showed her the knickers I had been wearing early
What! What! I couldnt believe my ears I was eleven for crying out loud no hug, no explanations nothing.... well what did I expect it was always the same
I was so upset/angry/confused and felt so alone, why didnt I have one of those mum's that hugged you and said oh love never mind its all part of growing up you will be fine. Why didnt she have pads in just in case?
I went to sleep eventually but I have no idea at what time it was. When I woke and had got ready for school etc the next morning, mum had left for work already and left me 50p on the shelf. It was the worst ever visit to the local shop in my life! trying to make sure there was no-one I knew in or gonna walk in as I asked for the sanitary towels. They always put them in a brown paper bag as if they needed to be hidden, so everyone knew what you had bought it was like walking out with a big sign tied round my neck "hey guess what I've started my periods"...
I hated my mum at this point and vowed if I ever had a girl I would never put her through what I had been through.....ever!
The facts of life had never been explained to me and I didnt know anything about periods well not really anyway. None of my friends had started theirs as we were young really but as I was quite well developed I suppose thats why I was one of the first.
I had been suffering from stomache pains most of the day that day....
I went to the toilet at school and noticed when I wiped that the toilet paper had a pinkish colour....this didnt look at all normal and did worry me but I carried on as normal. Later when I went again it was now definitely red and I realised it was blood, this really worried me, but as it was nearly the end of school I folded up a load of toilet paper and put it inside my knickers.
I kept going to the loo to make sure it wasnt getting any worse and started to panic as to what was happening and what I was supposed to do - I will speak to mum I thought when she gets home.
I couldnt get her on her own though she was always busy and then when I did I didnt quite know what to say to her...so I waited...and waited...
I sat in bed that evening waiting for her to come up and get ready for bed and when she did I shouted her into my room (by then I had a small room of my own) still not knowing what to say I just showed her the knickers I had been wearing early
Oh she said I will leave you some money in the morning to get something from the shop
What! What! I couldnt believe my ears I was eleven for crying out loud no hug, no explanations nothing.... well what did I expect it was always the same
but what am I supposed to do now?I asked
use toilet paper and get some pads in morningwas all she had to say and off she went to bed
I was so upset/angry/confused and felt so alone, why didnt I have one of those mum's that hugged you and said oh love never mind its all part of growing up you will be fine. Why didnt she have pads in just in case?
I went to sleep eventually but I have no idea at what time it was. When I woke and had got ready for school etc the next morning, mum had left for work already and left me 50p on the shelf. It was the worst ever visit to the local shop in my life! trying to make sure there was no-one I knew in or gonna walk in as I asked for the sanitary towels. They always put them in a brown paper bag as if they needed to be hidden, so everyone knew what you had bought it was like walking out with a big sign tied round my neck "hey guess what I've started my periods"...
I hated my mum at this point and vowed if I ever had a girl I would never put her through what I had been through.....ever!
Monday 17 October 2011
Boyfriends - growing up
My first proper boyfriend (M) was several years older than me, he was nice and I felt very grown up going out with him. He was nice to me but his mates thought I was a pain as I was younger than all them. He made me feel special and also very grown up I thought I was in love ....
But here was another guy I liked (P) also who hung about with the same group of friends, he also paid me lots of attention and to be honest I thrived off the fact that they both wanted me and would switch from one to the other regularly depending on how I felt.
I loved kissing as it was a form of closeness, to be honest I wasnt that keen on them touching me but I did it as it was what they expected.... I tended to do a lot of what was expected. M was a lot more caring and gentle whereas P was a bit of a jack the lad and not so caring but I really did like the attention I got, for the first time in my life I felt wanted....
I remember around this time that mum used to have parties at our house every so often but we were not allowed, we were sent to bed promptly and told it was bedtime and that we would be in bother if we came down. Myself and my little sister used to sit on the landing listening to people downstairs, it was always women and usually quite a few of them all giggling etc, occasionally they would want to use mums room to "try something on" so we would run back to our room and hide.
I later came across various "things" in mums room that kind of shocked me sexy underwear and magazines containing pictures of willy looking things which I know know to be sexual aides and having more knowlege it appears my mum was hosting parties for Ann Summers hence all the ladies and the giggling. This did seem strange as like I mentioned before sex was never mentioned in our house....
I think this was why I was so interested in finding out what it was all about.
I also found a lot of magazines in mums room that I would sneak in to peak at, these were not at all like the ones mum had with all the underwear, these showed people with nothing on and had stories in them about people having sex, I suppose I learnt a lot of what I knew from these magazines. If mum would have known I was reading them she would have hit the roof.........
I suppose in this day and age my friends would have called me a tramp, slapper etc but it wasnt like that at all deep down I was just attention seeking ..... and i was getting plenty of attention
I still wasnt really happy though.... something was still missing
But here was another guy I liked (P) also who hung about with the same group of friends, he also paid me lots of attention and to be honest I thrived off the fact that they both wanted me and would switch from one to the other regularly depending on how I felt.
I loved kissing as it was a form of closeness, to be honest I wasnt that keen on them touching me but I did it as it was what they expected.... I tended to do a lot of what was expected. M was a lot more caring and gentle whereas P was a bit of a jack the lad and not so caring but I really did like the attention I got, for the first time in my life I felt wanted....
I remember around this time that mum used to have parties at our house every so often but we were not allowed, we were sent to bed promptly and told it was bedtime and that we would be in bother if we came down. Myself and my little sister used to sit on the landing listening to people downstairs, it was always women and usually quite a few of them all giggling etc, occasionally they would want to use mums room to "try something on" so we would run back to our room and hide.
I later came across various "things" in mums room that kind of shocked me sexy underwear and magazines containing pictures of willy looking things which I know know to be sexual aides and having more knowlege it appears my mum was hosting parties for Ann Summers hence all the ladies and the giggling. This did seem strange as like I mentioned before sex was never mentioned in our house....
I think this was why I was so interested in finding out what it was all about.
I also found a lot of magazines in mums room that I would sneak in to peak at, these were not at all like the ones mum had with all the underwear, these showed people with nothing on and had stories in them about people having sex, I suppose I learnt a lot of what I knew from these magazines. If mum would have known I was reading them she would have hit the roof.........
I suppose in this day and age my friends would have called me a tramp, slapper etc but it wasnt like that at all deep down I was just attention seeking ..... and i was getting plenty of attention
I still wasnt really happy though.... something was still missing
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