Another move - another school

Life didnt change much over the next few years, I got a job doing an early morning milk round so I could earn some money for myself. This helped as I could do more things and get out of the house more.

I was still seeing both M and P off and on I was always with either one of them but then my parents dropped another bombshell we were moving house yet again....

Only this time we were going to a totally different area, which in turn meant a new school. I wasnt happy I was doing well at my high school and had excellent grades and some good friends - but it didnt matter what we thought...so off we went to the new house, it was a nice area but it meant I had no friends nearby and more importantly for me no boyfriend as it was too far to see either of them.

Starting the new school was horrible, I had no friends and it was such a shock to the system, there were a few of my cousins at the new school which I suppose helped a bit and I did make friends eventually. Initially I was the swot who was always sat working her backside off, head down and getting on with my work. This was what I was used to from my previous school, but people here were different always mucking about and getting into trouble.

It wasnt long before I started to follow them and my work slipped, I would skip school and generally misbehaved. I think it was a cry for help but I never got it....

I didnt get a new boyfriend there was one guy who i really fancied but he was way out of my league - I had put on weight and wasnt at all pretty like the other girls, why would any guy want me...

Teenager

I dont remember much about my years coming up to a teenager, I remember just haning out with everyone who lived near, mainly the lads.

I started smoking at middle school and used to take a few of my mums in a morning if she was still in bed when I got up, or the odd pound here and there so I could club together with my mates to buy some.

We spent an awful lot of time in the local graveyard, not causing a nuisance or damage just hanging out. It was quiet in the evening so we didnt get any hastle off the grown ups. We would sit and chat, wind each other up or play stupid games.

It was not well lit so there were lots of dark areas where you could hide or go for a snog if you wanted to be on your own. I was mainly seeing M at this time and I remember we used to go there so we could be on our own - he was a few years older than me and some of his mates used to take the micky cos he was hanging out with us. I didnt care I thought he was the bees knees. He was very kind and affectionate to me but I think he also knew this was my weak spot and it meant I let him touch me and at around the age of 13 we had sex for the first time...

Looking back it was pretty horrid we were under a large tree not sure of the name but think it a willow as it sort of hid you from view.
It was very painful and not what I would call a pleasant experience, or pleasurable. It was over very quickly and we didnt use protection he just pulled out near the end... I was living on the edge but wasnt really aware of the bigger picture or consequences.

After that occassion we would often have sex, it was always outside as we didnt really have anywhere we could go. I cant honestly say I enjoyed it at all but it was what boys expected and wanted and if it meant he was my boyfriend then I did it - at least someone wanted me well for now anyway

He obviously told his mates what I had let him do and they used to tease me and flirt with me - I never let any of them near me though. We used to fall our a lot and when we did I would but very upset and stay in my room feeling sorry for myself listening to sad songs over and over again it really depressed me when this happened.

I soon found comfort in the arms of P who was eager to go our with me whenever M dumped me - of course it all came down to sex I can see that now. Back then I thought they just both loved me...

How wrong I was they were just taking advantage of an unhappy young girl who let them do what they wanted to her mistaking it for love...

Hate and resentment..

Well I soon began to realise that I was basically on my own, I hated my mum for what she had put me through. She had and still has never shown any love for me in any way, I watched films etc where the daughters and mums and a special bond. I so wished I could have that and vowed if I should ever have a little girl of my own that I would make sure we had that special bond.

I got on with my life hanging about with the kids near me and swapping between M and P for affection, I had a few good friends at school etc but only a couple of real true friends.

Deep down I was unhappy and felt let down by my parents, my dad never really said much or showed affection to any of us but my mum she showered my brother with love but not me or my sister.... I suppose it down to her losing my older brother but even so this wasnt fair and I resented her and him for this.

I think they also had money worries as we were told we were moving yet again to a smaller house but in the same area....we were like gypo's never settling long in one place.

I spent a lot of time with my mates and at their houses - they all seemed to have good relationships with their parents and I wanted to share on this in any way I could....

Scared and alone

Even today I can still remember the day I started my periods - I was 11 years old and have never been so scared or felt so alone.

The facts of life had never been explained to me and I didnt know anything about periods well not really anyway. None of my friends had started theirs as we were young really but as I was quite well developed I suppose thats why I was one of the first.

I had been suffering from stomache pains most of the day that day....

I went to the toilet at school and noticed when I wiped that the toilet paper had a pinkish colour....this didnt look at all normal and did worry me but I carried on as normal. Later when I went again it was now definitely red and I realised it was blood, this really worried me, but as it was nearly the end of school I folded up a load of toilet paper and put it inside my knickers.

I kept going to the loo to make sure it wasnt getting any worse and started to panic as to what was happening and what I was supposed to do - I will speak to mum I thought when she gets home.

I couldnt get her on her own though she was always busy and then when I did I didnt quite know what to say to her...so I waited...and waited...

I sat in bed that evening waiting for her to come up and get ready for bed and when she did I shouted her into my room (by then I had a small room of my own) still not knowing what to say I just showed her the knickers I had been wearing early

Oh she said I will leave you some money in the morning to get something from the shop

What! What! I couldnt believe my ears I was eleven for crying out loud no hug, no explanations nothing.... well what did I expect it was always the same

but what am I supposed to do now?

I asked

use toilet paper and get some pads in morning

was all she had to say and off she went to bed

I was so upset/angry/confused and felt so alone, why didnt I have one of those mum's that hugged you and said oh love never mind its all part of growing up you will be fine. Why didnt she have pads in just in case?

I went to sleep eventually but I have no idea at what time it was. When I woke and had got ready for school etc the next morning, mum had left for work already and left me 50p on the shelf. It was the worst ever visit to the local shop in my life! trying to make sure there was no-one I knew in or gonna walk in as I asked for the sanitary towels. They always put them in a brown paper bag as if they needed to be hidden, so everyone knew what you had bought it was like walking out with a big sign tied round my neck "hey guess what I've started my periods"...

I hated my mum at this point and vowed if I ever had a girl I would never put her through what I had been through.....ever!

Boyfriends - growing up

My first proper boyfriend (M) was several years older than me, he was nice and I felt very grown up going out with him. He was nice to me but his mates thought I was a pain as  I was younger than all them. He made me feel special and also very grown up I thought I was in love ....

But here was another guy I liked (P) also who hung about with the same group of friends, he also paid me lots of attention and to be honest I thrived off the fact that they both wanted me and would switch from one to the other regularly depending on how I felt.

I loved kissing as it was a form of closeness, to be honest I wasnt that keen on them touching me but I did it as it was what they expected.... I tended to do a lot of what was expected. M was a lot more caring and gentle whereas P was a bit of a jack the lad and not so caring but I really did like the attention I got, for the first time in my life I felt wanted....

I remember around this time that mum used to have parties at our house every so often but we were not allowed, we were sent to bed promptly and told it was bedtime and that we would be in bother if we came down. Myself and my little sister used to sit on the landing listening to people downstairs, it was always women and usually quite a few of them all giggling etc, occasionally they would want to use mums room to "try something on" so we would run back to our room and hide.

I later came across various "things" in mums room that kind of shocked me sexy underwear and magazines containing pictures of willy looking things which I know know to be sexual aides and having more knowlege it appears my mum was hosting parties for Ann Summers hence all the ladies and the giggling. This did seem strange as like I mentioned before sex was never mentioned in our house....
I think this was why I was so interested in finding out what it was all about.

I also found a lot of magazines in mums room that I would sneak in to peak at, these were not at all like the ones mum had with all the underwear, these showed people with nothing on and had stories in them about people having sex, I suppose I learnt a lot of what I knew from these magazines. If mum would have known I was reading them she would have hit the roof.........

I suppose in this day and age my friends would have called me a tramp, slapper etc but it wasnt like that at all deep down I was just attention seeking ..... and i was getting plenty of attention

I still wasnt really happy though.... something was still missing

Happy or Unhappy?

I try to think back was I happy or unhappy at this age in my life.........

Well I think I must have been kind of happy as I remember hanging out with friends and having fun - thats happiness isnt it?

I didnt get paid much attention tho and I think this was an issue and still is today approaching 40 years old, I crave attention and hate being ignored or feeling ignored.

I think this could be an explanation for my big interest in boys, if I flirted with them they gave me attention obviously I was a bit naive as they were slightly older than me and looking back it must have appeared I was offering myself on a plate to them all.

I didnt mean to but I loved the fact that they wanted me to be their girlfriend so I was happy to do as they wanted - not sex this came a few years later but kissing and touching were allowed. This made me rather popular....

I didn't understand the full facts of life, it had never been explained to us by mum or dad - we didnt talk about sex in our house, you never saw them naked except my dad that is when he was sleep walking. He obviously slept naked and after he had been to the club on a sunday afternoon he would go for a lie down, often wondering round the house later in the evening totally naked which was funny to me, mum used to shout at him and turn him back in the direction of the bedroom sending him back to bed.

I liked feeling popular - I didnt see I was doing anything wrong.......

Around 10 years old...

Well we moved to the new house and it was very big compared to the old one, it had a garage under the house then on the first floor was the living room and a dining room, kitchen and hallway, the next floor had the bathroom, mum and dads room and two small bedrooms. Then if you went up again there was an attice bedroom with a dormer window.

My auntie lived 2 doors away and we spent a lot of time at her house, she looked after us in the school holidays and after school. It was fun at her house but I remember meal times were not good, we got the basics but there were so many of us that it was like 2 tins of beans and a can of water added to make it go round. Big piles of bread and butter to share at and one thing i remember most of all was on sundays she used to do roast potatoes that were mega yummy, especially with lots of salt on them.

I didnt really see much of mum or dad as they were at work and by the time they came home and we had finished playing it was literally time for bed.

On weekends we would all meet up there were lots of kids by us and set off to play, we were always out wandering somewhere. We used to go to the graveyard which was very near and collect conkers in autumn, in summer we would head down to the river for a swim or up past the local golf club to the canal.

It was probably around this time that I became aware of boys ......

Early years......

Well going back to memories the house we had moved to when I was around 5 was a 3 storey house and me and my younger sister (who had been born the year after me) shared an attic bedroom with a dormer window.

I remember this house as it was on a long street and we had a small back yard, I dont remember much else except that the steps to our bedroom were next to the bathroom. The stairs creaked a lot and this made us scared especially at night when it was dark, infact we were so scared that if we woke and needed the loo we were that petrified we would wee on the floor next to the radiator...... it would dry so no-one knew.

Or so we thought of course my mum soon found out and we were given a severe telling off....I still wouldnt go to the toilet at night though.

We lived in this house for many years - I dont remember any other specific incidents or times at the house, until I was probably around 9 or ten, to be entirely honest I cannot say how old I was but I remember we had friends that lived further along the street and we used to play out with them (so i must have been old enough to be allowed out alone). We used to play in a large area that was covered in grass and trees and when you went through it to the top it brought you out near a little church.

I dont ever think of my family as being religous but we did go to sunday school every sunday, in a room at the back of the church and I remember that we had to learn psalms - if we could recite it off by heart we were given aero chocolate as a reward...:) of course I knew them all.

This is really when any memories I have started but they are still very sketchy and quite far apart, some of them have years missing inbetween.

I loved sunday school I must have done I went every week, I also remember whenever it was Christian Aid week we used to go round the local houses handing out the little envelopes then a couple of weeks later go back round collecting them back in.

I remember the little local shop that was like garage size and stood at the bottom of a garden, if we were lucky and did things to help people we would earn 10p which got you a nice bag of sweets..
I got a paper round at this shop some years later and had to delivery papers every morning before school, I cant remember what I got paid but it wasnt a lot I do know that.

There was also a working mens club not far from our house and my dad would always go on a sunday to drink and play cards/dominos. Often we would go and hang about outside and if we saw someone going in we would ask them to tell dad we wanted him. On occassions he would bring us a pkt of crisps and a bottle of pop.

I then remember that we were told we were moving to another house which was on the top road - one of the big houses...... we were going up in the world

Why?

I have lots of unanswered questions but have never managed to get the answers to them....

Why do I feel the way I do?
Why does my mum seem care about my siblings but not me?
Why do men use us for sexual pleasure?
Why did my marraige break down?

the list goes on....... but I dont know if I will ever find the answers.

I think most of my anger and frustrations comes from my family - we are not close, not at all. I can go weeks sometimes months without seeing any of them, infact we moved into our new house in March this year and my sister and brother have still not been to visit!!!!

I have seen them but not that much and only if I make the effort - why should I? why dont they come to me?
more Why's.....

My mum and dad have been once or twice so I guess I should be grateful.

I feel that the root of my problems stems way back to when I was born, or to be precise when I was around 6 months old..... I had an older brother who suddenly and tragically died aged 16months old of meningitis.
As a mother myself I cannot begin to understand what my parents went through it must have been horrid for them - they had lost their son... but what about me?

I think the only explanation is that they were grieving so much I was overlooked, it must have been hard but I was a baby I needed love, I am sure this is why i crave it so much today.

The Start..........

Well not exactly sure where to start but I suppose it should really be with my first memory as a child.....Funny but I dont really have any! I have always thought this was strange as people I know comment all the time about when they were little they remember this or at primary school they were best friends with so and so.

Why do I not have any of these memories?

A question I have been asking myself for as long as I can remember.... it bothers me, it worries me and it also makes me rather sad.

My earliest memory is from when I was about 5 not sure exactly but I was at school so must of been around that age. I remember my mum not turning up to collect me and been in a portacabin classroom with my teacher... that is it short and sweet dont know when she came or what happened after, just been with the teacher wondering where mum was.

My next memory was my mattress been thrown out of the bedroom window of our house, to then be burnt on a bonfire in the back garden..... I have questioned this memory and it appears we were moving house - so I suppose it makes sense to burn it rather than transport it.  Again I cannot of been much older than 5 but I dont remember moving house or anthing else after that until several years later......

Does this mean I was an unhappy child?

I must say I grew up as a rather unhappy person I have always wanted just to be loved...... where does this all come from I wonder?

My friends have told me in recent years "Life is not like a Mills and Boom" book, yes I know this but why do I feel my life has been so rubbish..... yes there have been good parts but inside I am unhappy and just wish I knew why...

I will explain futher as we go along but dont want to spill everything out in one shot, I need to think/reflect and I also have to "put on my happy brave face" and try to be the perfect Wife and Mother.....

Back soon
x